Hey there for all of you readers still hanging on and reading my blog. I'm facing a serious dilemma and I'd like to hear your input if possible.
I am not in fact still wearing the hejab. I removed it this last August. It was simply too much weight for me to carry, the glares, the uncomfortable silence I'd get from people...and I know too well what they were thinking. Hadn't encountered any outright comments like some other muslimah sisters have but I'm sure they were to come someday. I have been dealing with a recent bout of serious depression (lifelong cycle, just a dip recently) as well and the hejab weight/burden just isn't helping me. I don't need the "negative vibes"/energy of hatred projected at me, thank you, I hate myself enough without anybody's help.
So, I am in fact not "Rockin' Hejabi" literally, anymore. However, it is VERY tempting to put it back on, to be that person again. Except for the hudge problem that creates. Which is; it's not to please God, but for wordly gain. Doing something that gives one the appearance of "being religious" just to advance oneself in dunya (the material world), as opposed to "akhira" which is the spiritual realm, is a hudge sin and a disease of the heart. But I haven't done it. Not yet anyways. But it looms before me....hey, it worked for Matisyahu! (shut up Shaitan!)
BTW I never have stoped practicing islam....or tasawuuf for that matter. I actually feel like I'm deeper into my practice without the outward hejab, which is definitley a weird experience... but I am nevertheless grateful for it.
I am delving deeper into my music; composing more, and polishing my songs, lord knows inshallah performing them for a real audience instead of alone in my room for once! Although I am excited that I'm moving forward with this dream of mine, it is also downright scary. I am purely, rawly scared. I want to protect myself from disappointment, from failure. I want to be another person so that if I mess up there won't be much of a consequence for me.
And deep down, I hate to admit it, I long for recognition. I know it's my ego (nafs) but I do. I want to be popular. I want to be on the stage again. It feels so good to perform. It's one of the only things in life that actually does make me feel good. I'm so sick of this depression. Of feeling worthless. Of feeling like everything I do isn't good enough. And I feel like music is the one thing that has hope in it for me.
Inshallah (god-willing) this whole put-the-hejab-back-on-because-it'll -make- you -famous- because- that'll -be -your- golden -gimmick -and- without -it -you'll -just -be -another- singer -in -a -wasteland -of- indie -folk- singers -temptation- ...will pass.