Sunday, March 02, 2008

Dilemma

Hey there for all of you readers still hanging on and reading my blog. I'm facing a serious dilemma and I'd like to hear your input if possible.
I am not in fact still wearing the hejab. I removed it this last August. It was simply too much weight for me to carry, the glares, the uncomfortable silence I'd get from people...and I know too well what they were thinking. Hadn't encountered any outright comments like some other muslimah sisters have but I'm sure they were to come someday. I have been dealing with a recent bout of serious depression (lifelong cycle, just a dip recently) as well and the hejab weight/burden just isn't helping me. I don't need the "negative vibes"/energy of hatred projected at me, thank you, I hate myself enough without anybody's help.
So, I am in fact not "Rockin' Hejabi" literally, anymore. However, it is VERY tempting to put it back on, to be that person again. Except for the hudge problem that creates. Which is; it's not to please God, but for wordly gain. Doing something that gives one the appearance of "being religious" just to advance oneself in dunya (the material world), as opposed to "akhira" which is the spiritual realm, is a hudge sin and a disease of the heart. But I haven't done it. Not yet anyways. But it looms before me....hey, it worked for Matisyahu! (shut up Shaitan!)
BTW I never have stoped practicing islam....or tasawuuf for that matter. I actually feel like I'm deeper into my practice without the outward hejab, which is definitley a weird experience... but I am nevertheless grateful for it.
I am delving deeper into my music; composing more, and polishing my songs, lord knows inshallah performing them for a real audience instead of alone in my room for once! Although I am excited that I'm moving forward with this dream of mine, it is also downright scary. I am purely, rawly scared. I want to protect myself from disappointment, from failure. I want to be another person so that if I mess up there won't be much of a consequence for me.
And deep down, I hate to admit it, I long for recognition. I know it's my ego (nafs) but I do. I want to be popular. I want to be on the stage again. It feels so good to perform. It's one of the only things in life that actually does make me feel good. I'm so sick of this depression. Of feeling worthless. Of feeling like everything I do isn't good enough. And I feel like music is the one thing that has hope in it for me.
Inshallah (god-willing) this whole put-the-hejab-back-on-because-it'll -make- you -famous- because- that'll -be -your- golden -gimmick -and- without -it -you'll -just -be -another- singer -in -a -wasteland -of- indie -folk- singers -temptation- ...will pass.

12 comments:

Fayyaz Khan said...

Salam Alaykum ... Just came to your blog through google ... My brotherly advise is: just put it on. Please don't worry about the motivation (evil vs good) or consequences (stares vs popularity). Just put on that thing.

Nike encourages you to just do it.

ThatDeborahGirl said...

I knew it would be hard - it's hard enough just wearing my own skin - I was hoping you would endure...I guess maybe because it would make my own skin easier to endure.

But to choose to engender white folks hatred and malicious curiosity when you don't have too is nothing short of saintly and we are not that - we are human.

I'm sorry darling, but know that I sympathize more than words could ever say.

Rockin' Hejabi said...

Fayyaz- I feel sorry for you.
Deb- thanks for your lovely-ness and encouragement. You are a beautiful person.

_Nur

Fayyaz Khan said...

You feel sorry for me? Maybe you misunderstood me, or maybe I misunderstood you. I would like to know why you feel sorry for me.

lufiasism said...

Salam Alaykum... I found your blog page through another blogger and just simply add it up into my bloglist. I see you're having a hard time for a while.

Take one step at a time rather than jumping straight to the highest level of eeman because I've seen some new sisters pushes herself so much till things turned sour in the end. Even me as a Muslim, I try to patch things up bit by bit rather than going full throttle.

As for hijab, take your time and Insyallah when the time comes you might wear the hijab again one day. Its all about choices. Yes, this dunya is tough , I don't deny that. But we keep on trying our best.

Eeman goes up and comes down. Sometimes it hits rockbottom and sometimes perfection.

Allah knows best.

Singular Voice said...

I think Br. Fayyaz was trying to encourage you (correct me if I am wrong Fayyaz).


Let us just discuss what you are going thru. You mentioned self hate and others projecting hate on to you. Since you have removed your scarf, has that self hate gone away? Have people stop judging you? Humans assume, judge, gossip. If they aren't talking about your scarf it will be something else (the way you look, your children, your family, your hair, your music blah blah blah). It appears to me that you are your own judge and jury. As humans (in this dunya) we have the need to be loved, accepted and validated, but at what cost? How can you please yourself and please the creator. You mentioned that you are deeper into your practice but how can that true to the core if you on some level are disobeying the Divine? What is the truth? Until you get a hold what is going on inside ( the pain you feel about yourself) these emotions will manifest themselves in one way or another (ex. hijab). We are all gonna be tested sister until the day we die. What will happens with the next emotional dip?

Mujahada said...

Assalamu'alaykum,

Insha'Allah it will be easy for you to put it back on soon.

I live in the US and I get stares and glares all the time, but it doesn't matter to me what people think because on the day of judgment I won't have to answer to them, I'll have to answer to Allah.

questfortherightone.blogspot.com said...

hey, welcome to being normal :)

we all want to be stars don't we... but the routes are always different. in the end, take a deep breathe and follow your instinct. Girl our duas are with you.

salams,
Quest

Salihah סליחה صالحه said...

Hey sis, love to you no matter what. You're my sister always. Hijab has nothing to do with outward pious appearance to me, it is about not needing to show my beauty to strangers, a special modesty and almost sensual beauty for only those closest to me. It's my belief that the Qur'an and our beautiful Sunnah are clear on hijab and sometimes I want to take it off, but it becomes one of those precious things of knowing the Divine created every cell of my being and knows best how to keep them. Hijab is often, though, made into a big issue with women. Why do we want to put hijabs on sisters before we want to help them learn to pray or inspire taqwa or the Oneness of Allah swt?

Depression, dear one, this has been part of me and my life as long as I can remember. At one point, it became so dark, so severe, that I felt completely isolated from anything in the world and like even the noor of the Beloved was completely distant beyond me. I broke down and it took a year to recover. I would love to talk to you anytime. I don't have answers, but I have ears and a heart. You don't need judgement, you need love. Allah is the best and only judge, and He loves you the most.

You're sufi? Have you ever done sound practice? This was the only thing that helped me connect during a time when I felt all was lost. It also was deeply healing and like a lifeline. I believe it was also physically healing to the damage that depression caused.

Sound practice, second from last item on page: http://greenmountainschool.org/tasawwuf.htm
The one above was also helpful for me. If it is hard to receive things by mail where you are, I could try to make a pdf, insha'Allah, to email.

I love you.

Altamura said...

hey pssst, little subversive voice here.

Hijab is... a piece of cloth. It means literally nothing, yet folks put a whole lot of extra meaning upon it than what it actually is. It's so non specific that it isn't even directly mentioned in the quran-- it's an "assumed" verse without there even being a specific regarding covering of the head.
khimar over the BOOBIES is far more specific though, right. the assumption is that one is wearing a khimar.
Go for boobie coverage. or not.

Hey, I've got an idea. Think of all the Muslim women running around with hijab on who arent praying. And yet, they can maintain their status in the community because hiding the non praying thing is a hell of a lot easier to do than something like taking off a scarf

my point is this-- wear it if you wanna wear it. Don't wear it if you don't wanna wear it. It's fabric, are you really that torn over the issue?

If you guess who this is, send me a message and I'll send you a cookie! :D~~~

misschatterbox said...

awwww, this is a tough one! I have suffered with depression too.
As for hijab.. I think on one level you are actually being very brave.. its much harder to take hijab off than it is to put it on, and at least you are not being hypocritical about it. I know heaps of Muslim women who don't pray or ever go to Mosque/study Islam etc. The community focuses so much on women's outwardly appearance, that it supercedes the actual 5 pillars of Islam! Not to mention the double standard when it comes to men's dress/appearance. It never ceases to amaze me how threatened and uncomfortable some people will be when faced with a non-hijabi lady (who truly follows religion and God) but are quite happy and approving of hijabis who do not practice their religion in any other way.
Focus on YOU and your relationship with God, this is the most important thing. May God guide and bless you, peace.

Jannah said...

asalaamu alikum wa rahmatuallahi wa barakatuhu sis

I have just come across your blog and read your post Dilemma.

I dont knwo if you have put the hijab back on againa nd my advice to you would be to jst put it back on!

I dont knwo what stuggles and demons youre battling but sis i really do think this woudl eb the best thing for you.

Ok yeah ofcourse your going to get negativity but persevere sis - PERSERVERE...dont be a quitter.

thsi is the shaitan... I am a new hijabi sis 7 weeks in!) and when i first began wearing the hijab a sister told me that i would have to face a lot of awkeard moments and struggles but to stay strong as this would be the shaitan trying to deter me...

Mmmm - i hope ive been of some help sis - i really do belive if you out it back on Allah Subhanahu wa taala will be there with you and will make it easy for you - have full faith and belief in Him sis.

Hasbonillahi wa nimal wakeel... Allah is sufficient for you -
Yopu dont need anyone else insh''Allah

Keep me posted sis and stay blessed
x